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pre.ma & sex

在全國對馬總統臭幹六譙的期間,據統計有16%的台灣人始終沒有出過半點聲音。而這16%的人裡當然全都是忠貞馬迷的發婆,發嫂,發嬸,還有發妹…唯一的男生就是老邱。老邱的老婆是個發嫂,但是老邱不是。雖然不是,他卻跟所有的發嫂一塊全程注視著馬總統,看他從白馬王子變成像隻過街老鼠,人人喊打;又像堆核廢料,個個想閃都來不及。跟發嫂們不同的是他沒有眼含淚,心不捨…你甚至可以說他是帶著極高的興趣在注視這一切。

因為老邱學的是環保廢物再生,他拿手的是把別人的大便變成他自己的黃金。所以只要哪裡出現一個危,對他來說就是一個機;有人搞出了一堆屎,那就是他又一次的樂透。所以這次馬團隊集體搞出了這麼大的一跎屎,老邱是強忍著激動,猛吞口水,直喊著:Holy Shit `然後像隻禿鷹似的盯著馬總統不放。

在馬總統的屎堆中翻滾了很久終於發現了好東西。他注意到那次馬總統開始下令道歉鞠躬七秒鐘之後,本來喊打喊殺的災民竟然改口向馬總統說加油。是什麼的未知產生如此不可思議的變化呢?於是他把所有的data全部送入電腦去跑,不跑還好,一跑結果他又發現,英國最厲害的情報員是七號的;星期是七天一個循環;孫猴子的工夫總共有七七四十九變;人死了要作七,沒人作六,更沒人作四。這個神奇的數字和二十三,和港仔的八一樣充滿了不可思議的力量。

在做深一步的思考他終於發現馬總統的英明,當年秦始皇為了交通,統一了全中國的車轍,傳為千年美談。但是只有馬總統想到為中國人的共同行為賦予同步量化,美化了鞠躬的肢體形象;強化了I am sorry的真誠力量,讓人民更容易原諒政府,讓名嘴可以安靜吃枇杷膏…這是一種千年的豐功偉業啊!

想到替台灣人民發現到了新秦始皇,老邱簡直興奮到血壓高到要不行,但是他又始終沒忘記自己不是替台灣人民做功德的,在自己的發現裡獲利是他不變的原則,他一定要找出七秒鞠躬對他個人的貢獻之處在哪。

左思右想,老邱床上應幹的活兒還是得幹。這方面是他最大的弱項,或許真的是近朱者赤吧,成天跟廢棄物搞在一起,老邱在床上不管怎麼使勁,拼命總是不到三分鐘就丟盔棄甲,還包括穿衣脫衣。老婆總是仰天長嘆之後送他一句:真是靠山吃山,靠廢物用廢物啊!

想到這裡,老邱終於想到,自己的義勇兵Minute man的稱號已經無法擺脫,但是山不轉,水可轉。為何不運用馬總統發明的馬氏共同行為統一量化表把老婆的時間及節奏,調得和自己一模一樣,那豈不是像俄羅斯的水中芭蕾一般美妙和諧精彩?於是他製做出了一份邱氏性行為同步進度表,以統計出70%男人平均三分二十五秒的標準時間為本,把性愛過程分解並給予精準的量化,如此一來才男有本,女有歸,雙方才能鸞鳳和鳴,共步齊驅,從二十五秒寬衣解帶開始,到十三秒愛撫前戲,一百二十秒衝鋒上陣,十八秒欲仙欲死,同時高潮七秒…死去活來最後互相讚賞美言二十二秒。超精準高效率的計畫執行,男歡女愛最高境界莫此為甚。天下從此沒有怨耦,性愛醫學從此跟經濟學一起出家。

這是老邱一直在跟我討論的題材,我總覺得這裡頭有哪裡不對勁,而且尚未經實戰驗證,真的可以把感覺的東西同步量化嗎?

結果那天碰到老邱,趕緊問他實驗過了嗎,他擠了擠眼睛,嘴角帶笑點了點頭。有效嗎?他又猛點頭。有證據嗎?他竟然開始樂不可支說:你知道嗎?
我老婆終於也開始說老邱啊,加油囉!

12 Responses

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